If I'm Pinot Noir, What Wine Are You?

“So, I was wondering, what Pinot Noir am I?” recently asked a friend. I told him first and foremost, he couldn’t possibly be Pinot Noir, because I am. But if you know anything about me by now, you know this conversation got the rusty old wheels turning. So, if I’m Pinot Noir (click here to see Pinot Noir’s qualities from my last post), what varietal of wine are you?

Do you have a knack for levity and tendency to lighten the moment with your witty presence? Why you must be Chardonnay!

Perhaps you’re Cabernet Franc… strong, masculine and most likely smelling like a combination of an old fogies’ stogie, moss and a leather armchair.

Sangiovese, you little Earth mama you. Expect to see this lass laden down with a rustic basket full of sun-ripened fruit and savory spices. She’s a bit hippy-like and often smells of campfire. Sometimes people call her crunchy, savory, or even acidic.

Riesling, you could be named Sybil, Eve (or Gewurztraminer for that matter), there are so many facets to you. One minute you’re sweet as honey and the next, you’re bone dry… no one will ever figure you out (but that won’t stop them from trying). You’re genuine, expressive, full of lively personality and you play well with food (wink, wink).

Oh yes, you have a reputation Pinot Grigio, but people just don’t know the real you. They misjudge you—think you lack character and backbone. Don’t worry my sweet; there are many who see your inner beauty.

If you see yourself as sharp, with an etched profile and would categorize yourself as “green”… you might be Sauvignon Blanc. If you enjoy casual hikes in the stone-filled, countryside or through tall, warm grasses while chewing on sprigs of herbs… you just might be Sauvignon Blanc.

Ever been called a wolf in sheep's clothing? Well, that would mean you’re Zinfandel. You look simple, but most of time, you’re just downright hot.

You’re easy-going, sometimes a bit soft but an all-around nice person. You may have been a bit of a wallflower growing up. When your mom described you, it was always how you were not like someone else (“Oh that Merlot, she’s definitely no Pinot or Syrah.”).

Speaking of Syrah: Syrahs are excellent muti-taskers; they work hard to show how diverse they can be. A bit like liquid incense… they’re exotic, heady and anything but one-dimensional. They love Autumn with its dried leaves and fruits and live for stews, slow-simmered braised meats and long walks in the rain.

People wouldn’t know it to look at you, but you really pack a punch. Yes, you may look like a poodle, but you’re all boxer. You have a wicked streak and sometimes come across to others as bitter… but you’re getting better with age. Your name is Nebiolo.

Viognier, with your Botticelli-like figure… you’re pure hedonism, lying there in pools of musk and honey, decadently feeding your lovers overly ripe apricots, guava, mango and passion fruit all day.

Oh, Muscat, you’re just a mimbo (male bimbo). You have a maturity about you but take pleasure in seducing all the old ladies with your predictably sweet perfumes.

Ahhhhhh, then there’s Cabernet Sauvignon—powerful, structured and intelligent, yet opulent, sensual and downright provocative—worth holding on to. You and your mysterious aura—with your mischievously spicy side—if only I could really get to know you. You’re utterly luscious and possess a profoundly captivating persona—mmmmmm, intoxicating. Oh baby, where have you been all my life?

Or maybe you’re just more of a mutt after all. A mixture of many different varietals… a blend, a cuvee, like Bordeaux. You’re classic, sophisticated and savvy, yet fun and always full of surprises.

I’ve taken the liberty of exploring a few wine personality types, but with an alphabet full of varieties, I could go on forever (I’ll spare you). If you haven’t identified with one of these, tell me what I’ve missed and which wine you are. In the end, take to heart the real beauty lies in attraction. Just like people, every once in a while you meet a wine so appealing and so mind-boggling, it quite possible changes your life forever. Until we sip again…

Cheers!